Fantasy of You

Basically, dump the prologue in its entirity. You don't need it. Let me jump straight into the story, not jump into a bog of waffle. It's pretty simple. Keep what ...

Granted. You're Elizabeth, a transexual from Texas. I would I could fly, again.

I ditto trident here. The grammar makes the piece clumsy and almost unreadable. It has no fluidity for me to catch and ride. Also, the content is pretty cliche, especially ...

Sometimes rhymes hit the mark and add a whole new dimension. Other times the rhymes come of forced and uneasy, and disrupt and distract from the content. I think the ...

[edit]

He touched her genital face, stroked her genitally.

I don't know if someone has covered what I've said. I don't have time to check. But if I do, make it doubly true, humkay? Okay. The prologue, like most ...

Thanks for the welcome, lol. It feels odd having them aimed at me. Usually I'm giving them out. The moment I need help, I'll come speeding to your doors in ...

Okay. Answer me something. Why should I bother helping you, when you don't bother to use basic grammar? And when I say basic grammar, I mean grammar that six year ...

John was cold. You should refrain from spelling out character's feelings. And given the scene you set, it's pretty obvious. But if you think it isn't, a simple shiver is ...

I'm sorry if I repeat what anyone else has said. Time is against me at the moment. “Why?” the young boy said weakly. Here's a rule for you. Never, ever ...

We’re losing control” shouted the pilot. Okay. A pet hate. Do you need to use shouted, or are you using it to avoid the word said? I think it's the ...

Granted, but it's submerged in water. I roll my eyes at global warming. I wish I had more wishes!

'Hull pressure compromised,' the computer said breathlessly.

Okay. Nothing of much interest is floating in my head right now, so I'll go for the standard hello. Hello :D I've been writing for sometime now, though, and in ...